When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. Obviously, not all of them are kind-hearted. A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we should rehang the picture. Many people ask married couples which one wears the pants in their relationship. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine.". A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. Do you think any of these relate to your marriage or any married couples you know? I can’t stand it. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. Posted on by . Chummy Tees A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? One of the kids suddenly started expressing how worried he was about his life. Source: Pinterest. “It’s me,” says the wife. At WEDonWEB you can get married online just for fun. Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. On the plus side, who doesn’t love hot dogs? Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. Whenever. A retired rancher decided to go back to school. A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”, The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. When they, inevitably, turn out to be crap, your spouse can always be relied upon to gloat over it. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still... • Never try to tell everything you know. Just then a man gets out of his seat and runs over to open the door. A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. The party’s host paid me a great compliment. The pilots screams at him: “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed? “Sure, it does,” he said. He also said that his mother spent the whole day cleaning and cooking for him while making sure that he did not need anything at all. Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? They'll throw both of us in jail! Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”, “In fact, I do,” said the man. “Go ahead, dear. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. seven Rachael Rosel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today? "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”, “This is very interesting,” replied the doctor. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. The little boy asked his dad one evening, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” “I don’t know, son,” he said. When their food arrived, the husband said: "Our food has arrived! madcowga/Imgur She told him that had no idea he was married before. Obviously, not all of them are kind-hearted. Nothing. Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. Son: What's the difference between love and marriage? I'll lose my license! He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, "That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore.". The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay? This paint store appears to know that only too well. She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!". Source: Love This Pic, As you can see, there are many, many marriage jokes out there. So many married couples see one partner taking on a majority of the household responsibilities. The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. Source: Noble Works, Sometimes, Embarrassing Habits Happen in Public. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: “You appear to be in good health. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.”. Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” Friend: “Why not?” Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”. They were born for this kind of situation. Olaalaa A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Click on the button bellow to send us your joke. "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws.". The big decisions, like what color to paint your wall, should be joint decisions. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”. It was really bad, like something from a Quentin Tarantino movie. 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"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. Woman: "You heard me! On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to... My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. One evening after their honeymoon, Tim was organizing his golfing gear. At any rate, they soon found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates of heaven staring … Why don't you do that?" • Never try to tell everything you know. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.” —. This shirt puts a new spin on that question, by letting the husband wear the item of clothing that tells everyone his wife is the boss. The middle of the bed can so easily become an impassible boundary when you piss your spouse off. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. Then one day, Garrick came home on their wedding anniversary. We recommend our users to update the browser. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and... One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset. swiggle1 “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. November 17, 2013 by F&J Staff Leave a Comment. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" Baffled by the look her husband gave her, his wife wondered what was wrong. A man named Tim and his long-time girlfriend finally decided to take things to the next level and get married. She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" Minions Quotes/Tumblr She took it to him by making a delicious sandwich, with a twist. Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." It’s no joke that marriage can be difficult. All kinds of bad things will happen. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find... As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. After all, they’ve been agreeing to terms and conditions online since they could walk. A wedding is a much-awaited event in every individual’s life. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. + Perhaps this is why the millennial divorce rate is so low? Marriage jokes about weddings, divorces, dating, husbands, wives, Honeymoons, and more! Shareably Why spend some time making something unique when you can just buy it? I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! All highlight certain truths. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university. ", A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." Wait, what?! “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. We didn’t realize that they expected a small amount of effort to be made. They’re so easy to slip into. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. When the other takes it on, they often want excessive praise. But for better or for worse, these marriage jokes … The groom goes into the lobby and meets up with the motel clerk. Wife: Yes and no. Propose and enjoy your cyber marriage experience. Do you know why?”, “Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “I thought I heard an intruder. Daily Joke: An elderly married couple went for a check-up together. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. One evening after their honeymoon, Tim was organizing his golfing gear. She’s telepathetic. dot pattern2 She became a member of Starts at 60 and got access to amazing travel deals, free masterclasses, exclusive news and features and hot member discounts! As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."